Open Letter

An open letter to my former best friend,

Wow, this is weird.  I usually don’t believe in much, but I truly believed you were the one person I’d never have to anticipate on having to miss.  I guess this is where I should ask how you are, and tell you that I miss you.  But I don’t really think you care about those things anymore.  However, I hope from time to time, you still think of me on occasion and miss me too.  I miss texting you every time something happens, whether it’s important or totally random.  I miss seeing you all the time.  I miss hanging out and taking naps on your couch.  I miss sending you inappropriate snapchats because I thought I was funny.  I miss the sound of your laugh and when you’d sing in the car.  I miss learning about life from you, and teaching you about the things I had in my life.  I miss the random dinners, the stupid reality TV shows, and the shit talking we’d always do.  I miss your family, and you filling me in on their days too.  But most of all, I miss knowing at the end of the day, no matter how good or how terrible the situation was, all I had to do was turn around because you always would have my back.  I miss my person.  I miss my better half.  I miss my best friend.

It gets so awkward, you know.  Even just thinking about it doesn’t feel right.  None of this feels right.  I hate not even having the awkward “how are you” or “haven’t seen you forever” conversations.  Instead, we just avoid each other like the plague.  When people ask me how you are, or how your job is going, or what you’re up to, I always pause because I honestly don’t even know what to say.  You were this extension of myself that is just gone now.  I hate that you’ve become just this person that I used to know.  Who would have ever saw this coming?  Maybe you did, but I certainly didn’t.  I guess in hindsight, things needed to change.  I just never would have imagined the change being this drastic.

I’m angry at you.  And I am furious at myself.  How could we let it get to this point?  How did we not feel ourselves starting to drift apart?  I ask myself these questions, and I sometimes question if this is what you wanted.  Your life, without me in it.  But I don’t know.  I’m mad at you for not fighting for this friendship, and I’m mad at myself for not fighting harder.  Our relationship was one in a million, the kind you never even consider the possibility of it ending.  At least, that is who you were to me.  It broke me in ways I didn’t know a person could break.  But, the sadness and the hurt have been fading, and I’m finally starting to feel like some version of my old self again.  Sometimes, I’ll scroll through old pictures of us, old screenshots, and I always end up laughing.  I know you hated it, but I even get mad for not taking more pictures.  I still come across funny inside jokes or memes, and I almost always send them to you.  I forget for a split second, but I always remember.  I don’t know if a day will ever go by where I don’t think of you, but at least now I can look at you as a cherished memory.

I don’t think there is really anything to be said, to be honest.  And I’m sad because I don’t even know where to go from here.  The ball is in your court, but it’s a game I don’t think you’re willing to play in.  At some points, I’d give almost anything to change what happened, with this terrible falling out.  I wish I could make the feeling of missing you go away.  I am terrified that this is something that is totally shattered and that in the end we weren’t supposed to be forever.  You have to understand what a terrible and gut wrenching feeling that is.  It hurts to know that I’ll miss out on your milestones and you’ll miss out on mine.  When I passed my final test for school, you were the first person I thought of telling but you weren’t there to tell.  It’s almost scary to think about how you won’t be there on my wedding day, or when my kids are born, or when I buy my first house, or anything in life like that.  I’m scared that when I look out, searching for your face and your unwavering reassurance, that it will hurt just as much then as it does right now that it’s not there.  I am most fearful that our lack of any future doesn’t hurt you like it hurt me, that it doesn’t hurt you at all.  I hate thinking that you haven’t missed me for a second as much as I have missed you.

And even with all of my doubt of us ever finding a way back to each other, I want you to know not even for a second do I regret a single moment of our friendship.  I don’t hate you, not now and not ever.  No matter what happens, or what you do, I will never hate you.  I will never hate your family.  I will not ever hate a single thing about you.  Everyone chooses their own paths in life, and maybe you just found that ours no longer intertwined.  That’s okay.  No matter how much hurt you may have caused me, I will not hate you.  In fact, I will  always love you.  You will always hold the most special of places in my heart, and even if you can’t physically occupy that space, it will always be open to your memory.  Even if I don’t hold a place in yours.  I will always be here, cheering you on from the sidelines.  I will never stop caring about you or wising you well in life.  I will always support you, no matter the distance between us, and look on happily as you kick ass in life.  You’re such a bright light, and an amazing person who is intelligent, kind, and talented.  You’re going to go so far.  I’ll never look back on our time together, our friendship, and regret it.  I’ll always remember you fondly and will always have only the best of things to say.

I don’t know where we go from here, or what the future holds for us.  I only know one thing for sure, I will never find another person like the person I found in you.  Thank you for being who I needed in my life at the time.  I forgive you, and I forgive myself too.  Thank you for everything that you taught me, from being strong to helping myself.  I love you so much, and I miss you more than you could ever possibly know.

Wishing you all the best,

Your former best friend

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12 thoughts on “Open Letter

  1. That’s a tough letter. I hope your former best friend will read it. If you don’t find each other again, it is good you have great memories and a good attitude and are ready to move on. Life has so much to offer you, and you have so much to offer the world.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much. I writing this was so difficult, but my hope is someone going through the same thing will read it and be able to relate. I think it’s important to have a good attitude about it. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean the whole world.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. In a way, this is really sweet – despite the hardness of the content.
    I have left many former ‘best’ friends behind.
    We’ve either fallen out of touch and they never made an effort, or I’ve done something truly horribly wrong to mar friendship.
    There are moments where I want to apologise and others where I wish dearly to see them again.

    I think this is a wonderful thing you’re sharing – it reminds me so much about myself.
    I hope you see each other again in life. All the best to you.

    Liked by 2 people

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